Murder on the Mind
I’ve been thinking a lot about murder.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this conversation many times as a therapist. It is, in fact, my job to accompany my clients into the darker corners of their minds. My clients share a lot with me: The murderous rage they felt at the boss who denied them the promised promotion. The relief they felt when an abusive caregiver finally died. The intrusive thought on the subway platform; Wondering what would happen if they gave the person next to them a tiny little push.
People think about murder a lot more than you might suspect.
But as with all things in the therapy room, it’s more nuanced than that. I remind my clients that thoughts are not intent. Urges are not behaviors. Anger is common. To “see red” is human. I am familiar with the smile, the quiet laugh, the exhalation of breath and the relaxing of the shoulders that accompanies this validation. “It’s not just me.” they tell themselves. “I’m okay.” they think. “There’s nothing wrong with me.” they say.
But that’s my clients. What about their therapist? Is there something wrong with me?
I’m quick to correct the misconception. But my clients often think that I must have it all together. I’ve got it figured out. I’ve reached self-actualization and am ready to pass on the tools of the trade I’ve learned that helped me scale the mountain of enlightenment. My friends and family will laugh as they read this. Because they know. I’m messy. I’m disorganized. I’m insecure. I’m human. And with humanity comes the same doubt which I’ve helped challenge in my own clients. Am I okay?
Because as I said, I’ve been thinking a lot about murder.
When I first started writing, I promised myself I would be honest and authentic. In the world of therapy this can be a controversial stance. In a profession that was born out of the Freudian concept of the Tabula Rasa or blank slate, we still quibble about how much of ourselves we should share in therapeutic spaces. Some might view my disclosure of murderous thoughts as a step too far across that line. But since I’ve already broken the rule of self-disclosure once, I may as well do it again: I am a gay progressive liberal (Something tells me if any of my clients are reading this they are not surprised.)
I won’t delve deeply into my sexuality and my political beliefs here. But it’s important to start with these facets of my identity to understand a few things: I am scared. I am helpless. And more pertinent to this topic, I am angry.
It’s not a hot take to suggest that we are living in unprecedented times. On July 13, 2024, Donald Trump was shot in Butler, Pennsylvania in an apparent assassination attempt. On December 4, 2024, United HealthCare CEO Brian Thompson was shot and killed on the streets of New York City. When it comes to murderous thoughts it would appear, frighteningly, that I am not alone.
Gun violence and death are nothing new to our nation. But in my conversations with friends, my talks in the therapy room and my inner dialogue a distressing new trend has begun to emerge:
“I wish he hadn’t missed.”
“He had it coming.”
“Can you blame him?”
I think many of us will recognize ourselves, our friends, our family and neighbors in such comments. When helplessness takes hold and personal agency feels like a relic of days past; When you feel that your very existence is in danger; How long before you become desperate and your thoughts begin to take a darker turn
As one of my favorite horror podcasters, Jenn Adams says in every episode of ‘The Lady Killers: A Feminine Rage Podcast’: “Now is the moment when we turn directly into the camera to say: Murder is wrong.” I believe this with all my heart. Which is why when I find myself even briefly empathizing with, or even honoring a murderer, it can be a very distressing headspace to be in.
Moral injury was first explored in combat veterans to understand the psychological harm that can be caused when individuals act in ways which oppose their personal values. Causing harm and even death in war time is not something most individuals would seek out and the toll it takes is well documented. Moral injury results in persistent feelings of guilt and shame, symptoms that are strongly correlated with post-traumated stress disorder.
But moral injuries are not only the purview of veterans. Think of the parent who commits an act of violence to protect their child. The hospice nurse who helps their patient seek out a dignified death. The insurance employee who chooses between denying a life-saving claim and keeping their job. Or the liberal who finds themselves checking the news each morning; Briefly crossing their fingers that the latest assassin didn’t miss.
As the horror genre is so quick to point out, the world we live in can be brutal and unforgiving. And as many people are presently discovering, the borders between the horrors of our favorite films and the horrors of real life are rapidly blurring. The protagonists of horror films are forced to make violent and often bloody choices to ensure their survival. The choice to pick up the knife (or machete, or chainsaw, or hook) which their monster has dropped and fight back; To be forced into the binary choice of kill or be killed, does not leave our final girls unscathed. And as many of us are now learning, hoping for the death of our real-life “monsters” is causing us very real distress and psychological harm.
So where do I turn when those dark and disturbing voices start scratching a little too loudly at the door into my brain? To horror of course. It is precisely because we lean into the deadly and the macabre in our media that we may be better able to manage and coexist with our darker thoughts. Angry with the current political climate? We can channel it through a viewing of John Carpenter’s ‘They Live’ (1988). Dreading your next family gathering? Let one of my all-time favorite Final Girls, Erin, do the dirty work for you in ‘You’re Next’ (2011). Parental or spiritual trauma got you down? Tune into ‘The Front Room’ (2024) to cheer Belinda (never “Belinder”) on in her battle for matriarchal power against the mother-in-law from Hell. And let’s not even get started on men. Who isn’t mad at them for one (highly valid) reason or another these days. Cue Coralie Fargeat’s debut film ‘Revenge’ (2017).
As I mentioned before: I’ve been thinking a lot about murder. Lucky for me, many brilliant horror creators have as well and the catharsis I need is just a few clicks of the remote away.
Media & Notes:
Film:
Carpenter, John. (1988). They Live.
Wingard, Adam. (2011). You’re Next.
Eggers, Max & Egger, Sam. (2024). The Front Room.
Fargeat, Coralie. (2017). Revenge.
Writing:
For more information on moral injury click HERE:
Audio: